Being around babies, focusing on joy

I love it and I hate it.

The day of Hudson’s memorial, we had a dinner with our family and somehow I ended up surrounded by little girls of various ages.

As long as I don’t think of how I won’t get to see Hudson playing, as long as I don’t dwell on how I never will be able to do tummy time with Baby Dub, as long as I keep my mind on the hopes for our future children and keep my mind off the dashed dreams of our first born, I am okay.

The summer was supposed to be our best ever. Tons of weddings, the thought of showing off Hudson at all these happy family occasions, the Hubs toting her around in his Baby Bjorn (the Father’s Day gift I gave him)… when I think of these plans and how we won’t get to experience them with Hudson… that’s rough. I have to quickly flip my perspective and think about how this time next year I intend to be hugely pregnant.

That’s something to look forward to.

My sister gets married tomorrow. It’s hard to believe it will be two weeks since Hudson died. It might be hard to see some of the family and friends who weren’t with us for Hudson’s short life. It might be great, too.

I want to be sure to keep the focus on my sister’s joy, not on my grief.

Family and friends are wonderful. Going out of their way to make plans with me. The delicate dance of whether or not to bring up Hudson (don’t worry, I’m thinking about her right now, we can talk about her if you want). Calling, texting, Facebooking their love our way.

I am counting down the next 6 months. I’ve been making lists of productive occupations to fill my time between now and January 2013. Training for a half marathon. Building my Baby Tabernacle. Finishing up a few projects around the house. Learning a new language. Finishing my play script. Writing about Hudson. Writing about other things besides Hudson.

The Hubs and I decided last night to plan an epic vacation to kick off 2013. We’ll have the all-clear to start trying for Hudson’s baby bro or baby sis, and even though I don’t want to spend the next 6 months in Baby Limbo, I have to admit it’s about the only thing I’m genuinely looking forward to. So we’re upping the ante by throwing a vacation on top of it.

When I find out I’m pregnant again, it will be the happiest day of my life so far. There will be no dazed and confused looks, no “Am I ready for this?”, nothing but joy.

And that’s my primary focus.

In the meantime, I think I can handle it if you bring your babies around me.

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