I don’t think there is a bond that is closer than a mother’s bond to her child. Yes, now, I am speaking from my personal experience. I didn’t think it was possible to love anybody as much as I love my husband, but then Hudson came along and filled three days with the most intense feelings of attachment, hope, pride, expectation, protectiveness and straight up pure love.
It makes me respect and admire my parents so much more.
It’s hard to put into words, at least when you’re on the spot. I tried to tell my mom last weekend, at my sister’s wedding, how very much I appreciate the selfless love she’s shown to me and to my siblings, and how I understand now that there’s no way anything I can give back to her will compare. I stuttered and stammered and stumbled.
So today I wrote her a letter instead. I’m better with words when I write them down and ponder them before spewing them out into the universe.
Every once in a while I’ll have an “out of body” grieving experience, where I realize that other people miss Hudson almost as much as the Hubs and I do. It has hit both of our parents pretty hard. And I realize it’s about missing Hudson, yes. But it’s about seeing us, their kids, hurting too. Knowing that they can’t make it right, can’t fix it, can’t go back in time… well, Grandma and Grandpa Shiz and Grandma and Grandpa Dub… I know how you feel.
To feel like you couldn’t protect your baby. Wracking your brain for a way you could have changed the outcome. To play the bargaining game, “Trade ya my life for Hudson’s.” To dream and fix the problem, only to be cruelly awakened to reality: You couldn’t save your baby.
It’s not fair to us, because we didn’t get to enjoy more than the three days of the life of our precious miracle. But it isn’t fair to Hudson either, because she was perfect, she was unbridled potential, she was ours, but she didn’t get to live. And I think she would have liked to live, with us, very much. She was going to be something else… something spectacular.
She was something spectacular.
And the world can never be the same now that she’s not a part of it.