Days & Dates

Hudson would be one month old today.

I can’t even imagine how much different she’d look, the facial expressions and noises she’d make. I really wish we had a one month old right now.

Hudson was born on a Wednesday. Am I going to think “She’d be this many weeks…” every Wednesday?

Hudson died on a Saturday. Will every Saturday be a weekly milestone, “We’re XX further away from when she died”? For the record, it’s been 4 weeks since Hudson died.

Hudson was born on the 11th of July. Will every month’s 11th day be a brutal reminder, “I should have a XX month old right now.”

I went shopping today with my MIL and SIL. I swear everybody in the Tri-Cities was pregnant. Every time I see a mom with small children, I’m doing mental math… “She definitely got pregnant with that baby right after her last kid, and these babies seem just fine.” I’m jealous of pregnant women, would trade places with them in a heartbeat.

Being so preoccupied with babies can’t be good, right? But it’s all I can think about. I have our next daughter’s name all picked out. I have dreams about what our next child will look like. I dream that Hudson was born just fine, that she was healthy and perfect, that she’s already talking.

When “Baby” is all you’ve had on the brain for 9 months, it is hard to shut it off. When you lose your baby, it’s even harder to shut it off. You had all the prep, all the anticipation, without the requisite payoff.

We didn’t get to bring our baby home. And it isn’t fair. But I know that life gets better, that we’ll have our family, that we will know better than to take any moment for granted, that there will be healing.

In the meantime, the days and the dates will continue to sting, but I want them to go by quickly because they’re bringing us closer to our baby.

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