How really good days are still tinged with tiny sadnesses

My husband bought me tickets to the Seahawks vs. Green Bay Packers Monday Night Football game for my birthday this year.

Yes. We were this close to the field.

Not too shabby, Big Guy.

Of course, my birthday is in April and I had to wait until September to get my gift. This is actually quite alright because I get to spread my celebration throughout the year. As anyone who knows me knows, the entire month of April is pretty much my birthday. Why shouldn’t September get in on the fun too?

I’m a big Seahawks fan, and I’ve been to several games but unfortunately never have been to a WIN. While I didn’t have high hopes for this game against the Packers, I was still pretty jazzed. Seattle is always in it when the game is at home!

We’ve had this weekend in the works for quite some time. We were expecting to have an 11 week old baby by now. Grandma and Grandpa Shiz were supposed to babysit. It was supposed to be my first extended baby-free time in months.

What I wouldn’t give…

Anyway, anybody who follows sports will know that this was one of the wildest football games ever. Seattle sacked Green Bay’s quarterback EIGHT TIMES in the first half. Defense was off the chain. But it all came down to one play at the end – a botched call by the refs as time expired gave Seattle the victory.

I was so excited at the signaled touchdown, I may or may not have peed a little.

A call went our way! A small win for my life.

And we had ridiculous seats – 5 rows back at about the 35 yard line – right behind a couple and their brand new baby girl.

I’m not kidding you.

The wife asked me to take pictures of their little family TWICE. Her, her hubs, and a practically-newborn-baby-girl wearing one of those precious stretchy headbands with a green and blue flower clip on it.

She couldn’t have been much older than 2 or 3 weeks.

Hudson would have been like, twice her size.

It is LOUD at CenturyLink Field. I hope this little girl’s ears aren’t permanently damaged from the noisemaking. The dad kept his fingers over her ears as he cradled her head, and she was super chill… probably the crowd noise replicated the womb noises and kept her at ease. But I couldn’t help but cringe every time the roar got particularly deafening… who is doing something about this infant and her ears?!

The Hubs couldn’t believe it either. He was equally indignant about the lack of ear protection for this tiny little girl.

I love that man.

So I got my desired win – on a miracle call – but life counteracted my miracle moment by seating us so close to this couple and their baby girl. The game was a distraction from my preoccupation with Hudson, with wanting our family. But even with the ultimate distraction of this ridiculous win, I couldn’t escape.

Life should be different than it is right now.

Don’t get me wrong, I still had a blast. It was the most face-hurting-smile time I’ve had in a long, long time. It was nice to know I still could smile that hard, even with that baby right in my face all night.

But this night of fun would have been so different with Hudson to come home to afterward, and I’m a little bit glad that there was a tiny baby right in front of me to remind me of what I’m missing.

I wouldn’t want to escape thinking of Hudson for the world.


9 thoughts on “How really good days are still tinged with tiny sadnesses

  1. Momma Sue says:

    Oh Erica – missing all that should have been – love you – momma Sue

  2. Grandma Dub says:

    Oh Erica & Zeb-momma Sue & Grandma Dub at a loss at what we can do for “our babies” to ease the pain. Always in our hearts.

    • MommaDub says:

      Grandma Dub, thank you for all the ways you were a part of Hudson’s life, and for all the ways you make your “baby’s” life easier with your love and support. We are blessed.

  3. Love you tons. I wish there were words to help. Just know that you all are in our hearts and thoughts everyday. Hugs.

    • MommaDub says:

      My sweet cousin – thank you for your constant good-love-hug-vibes and your incredible support. The SoCal Hudson’s Heroes Team will be an awesome tribute to Hudson – in a state she only visited in utero! I love you!

  4. Carissa vixie says:

    I’m glad you found the light in that situation. Not always easy to do. That game is making some news and I’m sure you won’t ever forget it for multiple reasons.

    • MommaDub says:

      Of all the seats at all the football games in the state of Washington, that couple with that newborn had to sit in the seats in front of us!! But as stab-in-the-heart as it seemed, it wasn’t as bad as it seemed either. It really was a great time – only for moments at a time did we remember how much was missing.

  5. […] We lost our daughter. We got those three beautiful days, but in the end, her life was too short. And here we are, trudging onward. Looking forward with anticipation to the joy that life has in store for us in the future, but also saddled with a lifelong grief that will always tinge every happy, good thing. […]

  6. […] wasn’t easier. Birthdays. More anniversaries. Auntie Dub’s wedding. The Seahawks MNF game. Moments we were supposed to spend with her, and without her, they all […]

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