It’s the first of October, and as such, we have made it through the entire month of September without our baby.
That’s two full calendar months without Hudson, where we should have had her, and we wanted her, and we still want her.
August and September without our little girl. Unbelievable.
Grandma Shiz told me that she read an article about grief that stated that you can’t fully process a loss until a full calendar year has passed. This gives you the chance to go through all the seasons, holidays, and year’s milestones without that person.
You’re telling me that next August without Hudson will be somehow easier than this August was, just because I’ve “been there, done that?”
This August was rough. Our third anniversary. The wedding of a dear friend. All the monthly, weekly baby development milestones that we should have been celebrating with our daughter instead of grieving without her.
September wasn’t easier. Birthdays. More anniversaries. Auntie Dub’s wedding. The Seahawks MNF game. Moments we were supposed to spend with her, and without her, they all sting.
If you’re trying to measure grief and coping by milestones on the calendar, there’s no possible way this gets easier after a year.
A year is insurmountable. I can’t make it a day without thinking of how Hudson would be making life so much fuller right now. A year from now can’t possibly be easier just because we’ve experienced AN AUGUST, A SEPTEMBER without our girl. That’s simply ridiculous.
I’m reading Mitch Albom’s The Time Keeper right now. From what I can tell thus far, it’s about Father Time and how he must intervene with two earthlings, one who wants to slow time and one who wants to speed it up, and here Father Time is stuck in limbo between time slowed down and time sped up and it sucks.
Sorry, Mitch, if that is a horrible synopsis. Bear with me, I’m trying to draw an analogy to my life right now.
The Hubs and I are in that limbo right now.
Every day is a day further from those incredible Three Days we spent with our daughter, the days that made us parents. And the further we get away from those days, the more it sucks.
I just want more time.
But then again, every day that passes is a day closer to bringing our next child home with us and beginning that journey of parenthood again, the joy of a healthy baby in our arms, the full (but empty, too) experience of all that we missed and are missing. The sooner we get there, the better.
I just want time to speed up.
So August and September without Hudson have passed, however implausibly. And we are embarking on October.
One more month without our baby. One month closer to our baby. Either way.
Time can’t pass quickly or slowly enough.