October 15 is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.
And I kind of missed it.
I remember in the darkest days after Hudson’s death, I spent a lot of time Googling infant loss online, and it was then that I first became aware of the significance of October 15.
I remember thinking, “I don’t even know what October 15 of this year will be like. But I’ll do something.”
And then I just kind of forgot. All my lofty aspirations – I’ll write a poem, I’ll hold a ceremony, I’ll tell my friends…
I forgot them all.
And then the day rolled around, and I got a text about it and saw a few things about it on Facebook, and I realized I hadn’t done the grand show I’d planned. But I could still light a candle for the International Wave of Light.
It was 6:55 pm when I thought that.
“In five minutes, I’ll light a candle for Hudson.”
And then it was 7:52 and I hadn’t lit the candle, I’d watched Monday Night Football instead.
I was late, but I lit the candle anyway.
When I first learned about this day of remembrance, I was sure that my world would revolve around our loss come October 15. There’d be no way I could forget to make it the big deal Hudson deserved.
But I did forget to make it a big deal. And I am okay with it.
Every day gets to be about Hudson a little bit. A lot, and a little bit. There are some days when my absolute existence revolves around her, while other days I can just think of her constantly and it doesn’t take over my life.
I had a really great conversation with my dear soul sister about this just a few short days ago: we’ve realized that it is okay to feel grief without BEING grief. It’s okay to let yourself feel loss whole-heartedly, without the loss controlling you.
I have permission to be sad and permission to not be sad. I’ve earned that. My husband has earned that. Our friends and family, people who have been touched by Hudson, people who have been touched by loss of any kind, they’ve earned the right to feel the way they feel.
I remember Hudson every day, in ways big and small. Our family will always include her preciousness. Our family is better and more full because of her, even though her life was so tragically brief. She consumed me in the weeks following her death, she is with me constantly now, and not one experience in my life will be unaffected by her absence.
I don’t need one big day to remember Hudson. I have a lifetime.