Separation Anxiety

Even if we hadn’t lost Hudson, I think I would have really missed being pregnant.

You’re never alone.
You’re always doing something important.
You’re connected emotionally and physically to the most important thing in your life.

Being pregnant is awesome. I miss being pregnant, but I miss Hudson more.

I still get phantom kicks that break my heart. Today I looked at my C-section scar and thought about the miracle of birth, how they were able to pull that big baby girl out of such a small incision, how just months ago I didn’t have that scar but I still had a living child. I thought as I climbed into the shower that it doesn’t seem right that my baby could be dead. How could she not be alive when she lived inside me? How can I still be alive without her?

We left the hospital without Hudson, but with a little box full of mementos of Hudson. Locks of hair. The tiny cuff they kept on her ankle. Footprints. Hand prints. A little glove that is stained dark brown with spots of Hudson’s blood.

And a ceramic heart – the outside part for me, the inside part with Hudson.

It is designed to withstand the heat of cremation, so the little inside heart went with Hudson as her tiny, perfect body was turned to ash. The outside part was turned into a beautiful piece of jewelry that I can wear as a necklace or a bracelet, designed and handcrafted by a lovely friend and talented artist whose creations can be found here.

Ruby is Hudson’s birthstone.

That “missing you” feeling really does feel like anxiety. A flutter in my guts, a pain in my heart, a closed throat that makes it difficult to breath. So on those days when missing Hudson is particularly painful, I have these special things to remind me of how connected we still are.

On the cellular level. Hudson is a part of me, and will be a part of her siblings, in a very real and tangible way.
Emotionally. Hudson is thought of and missed every single day, by me, by my husband, by family and friends.
We’re connected through wearable treasures like the one pictured above.
Even through facial hair.

When I’m pregnant again, I will probably think of Hudson with every kick from her baby bro or baby sis. I can’t wait for that truly visceral reminder of our beautiful baby girl, mixed with the hope and anticipation that is sure to come with the next addition to our family.

And in the meantime, I have some gorgeous jewelry and a husband with luscious face salad to remind me that our beautiful little girl is forever with us.

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One thought on “Separation Anxiety

  1. […] cross my mind: “This is how old Hudson would be.” He was very fascinated with my sweet Hudson memento necklace, the one with the ceramic heart that also can be a bracelet. He got it in a baby vice grip a few […]

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