Lifetimes

Yesterday, the Hub’s bro officially became a daddy. My sweet SIL gave birth to their beautiful baby girl.

Throughout the course of their pregnancy, they referred to Baby Girl as “America” because, from their calculations, she was conceived on the 4th of July.

Hudson’s due date.

An entire pregnancy has come and gone in almost exactly the amount of time it has been since Hudson was born. It seems like an eternity.

Another pregnancy freed up for me, I suppose.

And it all has me contemplating, as I often do, the passing of time.

An entire baby (a cute one, at that) has been baked to perfection since Hudson was born and died. When my SIL shared the good news that she was preggers, I thought to myself that surely I’d be pregnant by March, and we would be pregnant at the same time, at least for a little sliver of overlap. I guess, technically, we were pregnant together for about a week. Other friends of mine have since “fallen pregnant” and each time they make their announcements, my inner voice assures myself that I, too, will be pregnant soon, that I’ll get to be pregnant with them, even though I’m a few weeks or months behind them.

And here we are…. literally lifetimes away from Hudson.

I remember how agonizingly long my pregnancy with Hudson felt. How long those last days were. Then, after, when Dr. M told me to wait 6 months before we start trying for Baby Dub Dos, I was absolutely incredulous.

Six months is a lifetime, I thought.

Nope. THIS is a lifetime.

This is taking freaking forever.

I remember being told to appreciate the last days of pregnancy, because once the baby arrives you won’t be able to do all the stuff you once could. But none of that stuff sounded like any fun. I just wanted our baby.

And now, as we stare in the face of NINE MONTHS since Hudson was born, I feel the same way. I’m trying to make nice with the fact that right now, we do not have our baby. We are unencumbered by a small and dependent life form, so we should take advantage of these last weeks/months that we can just pick up and take impromptu trips, go grab a cocktail with girlfriends, etc. But I just want our baby.

You feel almost guilty doing those “things you can’t do once you have a baby.” These shouldn’t be possible right now, so is it bad if you enjoy them? I mean, it isn’t like I’m GLAD I have this bonus time with just me and the Hubs. I would give anything to have Hudson with us right now, or at least be working on Baby Dub Dos. If we dash off on a spur of the moment getaway, or if I have nothing but soft cheese and wine and caffeine for the weekend, is that really the definition of “embracing the moment”?

No.

I just want our baby.

I embrace that and do the other stuff grudgingly, halfheartedly.

I still can’t really throw myself into this life. There’s always the part of me that wants to be doing MOM stuff right now, so even though I’ll probably look back on this time and wish I’d embraced it more, the best I can do is that awkward side hug you give to people who you don’t know if you are on hugging terms with.

I’m not on hugging terms with this part of my life. And there are lifetimes between where I am now and where I want to be.

But, there’s always that annoying pep-talk version of me that encourages Harsh-Reality Me to “Live in the Now!”

But she does it like Garth in Wayne’s World.

And just like that sweet guitar Wayne dreams of, the life I want will be mine.

“It will be mine. OH YES. It will be mine.”

 

 

 

 

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