11 months – empty car seat

Hudson was born 11 months ago.

Our daughter would have been 11 months old today.

When I was pregnant with Hudson, about 6 weeks before she was due, in fact, I had the Hubs install the car seat in The White Stallion… just in case.

You see, I was informed that the only things you NEED when you have a baby are diapers and a car seat… because you can’t take her home without one.

So for the weeks leading up to July 11, I drove about with a car seat installed, ready for action should I go into labor early.

And I would drive around with that car seat, and I would actually look in the rear view mirror and picture our baby girl in that car seat, and I couldn’t even fathom what it would be like with a baby that we made riding in it.

Today I drove from Yakima to Walla Walla, pretty early in the morning, and I looked in the rear view mirror to check for pursuing cops as I sped along the highway and was hit with a sense of nostalgia for those six weeks that I drove around with the empty car seat.

Then it struck me that today is the 11th. And of course there were tears.

That empty car seat remained in my car for about a month after Hudson died. I just didn’t have the heart to take it out right away. In the weeks following our baby girl’s death, I would drive around in my car and look in the rear view mirror and imagine what our beautiful red head would be up to back there.

And today, the back seat is empty. No empty car seat, but something about the rear view mirror check today had me thinking about what it would be like to have our 11-month old beauty with us today. She would have been so precocious, so spunky, so challenging but so fun.

For the most part I was able to distract myself about today’s significance. I’m reading a book right now with a line that stands out “…I will remain too busy to be sad.” Mission accomplished on this particular 11th.

It’s hard to believe that we are coming up on a year. What is the next 11th going to do to me? I guess we have no choice but to find out in a month. I planned to have the day off, but maybe that isn’t the best thing if I’m going to “remain too busy to be sad.”

But today, I didn’t remain too busy to write about the 11th day that would have been the 11th month, and I didn’t remain too busy to pine for what might have been in an alternate universe with that car seat full of precious red-headed bright eyed fun that was and is our daughter Hudson Ruth.

Wherever that universe is, wherever our car seat is not empty, I want to go to there.

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7 thoughts on “11 months – empty car seat

  1. Momma sue says:

    This day has been on my heart all day long-aching for a sticky baby fussing and poopy and sooooo loved!

  2. On Thursday it will be 4 months for me since I lost my baby Delilah Sage. Reading you post today brought me back to when we still had our carseat in the back and I would do the same thing. Like you, our loss was unexpected after a full term healthy pregnacy. I’m so sorry for the loss of beautiful force of nature that was Baby Ruth. I really enjoy your posts, they make me feel more normal. Thank you.

  3. The empty back seat 😦 Almost Hudson’s birthday too. You’re in my thoughts.

  4. This resonates with me. I’ve been planning a similar post, though different. We went to the hospital when I was in labour. With the bag and the carseat at the ready. After everything happened when Finley was born, my husband had to drive home with the bag and the empty carseat knowing that our son would never need them. Completely opposite to how it was when we left our house together, with me still pregnant. It haunts me.

    Thanks for sharing your thoughts and words.

    Lisa | http://www.thestarsapart.com

  5. Sarah says:

    Wishing you and Hudson were here together where you belong!

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