Today is the first day of July. A year ago, I woke up every morning with a sense of anticipation that this could be the day I go into labor, this could be the day I see what our daughter looks like, this could be the day I start the next phase of this thing called motherhood.
Those first few days of July 2012 were pretty great.
But this is 2013 and things are much different. I started a new phase of my life a year ago, that’s for sure. Instead of planning a birthday party, frantically scouring Pinterest for the best baby bday ideas and panicking that I might settle on the wrong one, today I feel obligated to plan a memorial. And I just don’t know what to do for our daughter’s 1st birthday.
Today I returned to work from a long weekend celebrating one my dearest friends getting married. On my desk was a card and a small cardboard box wrapped in brown ribbon. Inside the cardboard box was a Glassybaby, not coincidentally called “Hudson.” The card (from a sweet new friend who has mastered the art of the handwritten card and is more thoughtful than I could hope to be) explained that the colors made her think of my eyes, which she imagined would also have been my daughter’s eyes.
I like to imagine that too.
She also included these words, so fitting:
Some people shine a light so bright, that even when they are gone, the light remains.
Hudson’s light remains. Her spirit, which captured our hearts and changed our lives throughout my pregnancy and in her brief life in the world, shines on in me, in the Hubs, in the people who know us and are touched by her fight.
So while I haven’t come up with anything too profound to do to celebrate her 1st birthday, I do know one thing I’m going to do to celebrate her birth month. I will light one of my Hudson candles (I have two, thanks to another dear and thoughtful friend) every day this month and I will smile when my eye catches that flickering orange/red, so like Hudson’s hair in hue, and that soft grey/blue, so like Hudson’s eyes, and that glow that is my daughter’s indomitable spirit,
small but powerful,
bright and beautiful.