Tomorrow, my brother and his wife will meet their new son.
And I’ll meet my nephew!
It seems like not all that much time has passed since my brother came over here to tell me they were pregnant. It seems like two seconds since my brother called me the day they found out the gender to tell me “I’ll be getting a new golfing buddy.”
Now, baby Boy S will be here in less than 24 hours, and I can’t wait.
Of course, it seems like the development of my nephew has flown by. Meanwhile, the 10 days left until we find out that Bullet is a boy (because I’m 100% sure) is dragging on in agonizing fashion.
It’s amazing how quickly and slowly time can go by.
I found out today that an acquaintance of mine from the “Babyloss Community” (UGH, I hate that terminology but I’m using it for lack of a better term) is also expecting, due just a week before us. Her daughter passed away shortly before Hudson was born and died. When I think of them having a baby, I think “Oh good, they didn’t have to wait that long.” Yet it feels like the 11 months between Hudson’s death and the discovery of Bullet were years, lifetimes, eternities.
I try to be better about the countdown, not rushing through the pregnancy. I remind myself often that I’ll never again be 18 weeks pregnant with this child, I force myself to slow down and live in the present, awesome moment. And you know what?
It helps the time go faster.
I can’t believe that we are almost halfway there.
I know this is a recurring theme in my writing – the passing of time, living in the moment, being present, appreciating now. I keep coming back to it because it is so very important, and it is really, really difficult for human beings to do.
We think constantly about what we want next, instead of being thankful for what we have now. We beat ourselves up for things we haven’t done, instead of being proud of all we’ve accomplished thus far. We countdown days and weeks and months. We make the anticipation bigger than the payoff.
Bullet has been my singular goal and focus for the last year and change. Not Bullet specifically, not the whole time, but getting pregnant again, growing our family. The anticipation can never be bigger than the payoff, though, no matter how much I’m counting down and planning and dreaming and looking forward. Every day with Bullet is precious, now, before I can see his (sorry, can’t help it) squishy awesome face, and later, when he’s born, and later still, when he’s pooping on me or taking his first steps or going to his first day of school or staying out past his curfew for the first time.
This ridiculous life insurance commercial came on today that I had to make fun of so I wouldn’t cry. It’s a bunch of people my age watching some college football, sharing some snacks and rambunctiously cheering at a play. There’s a voice-over of this dude watching his wife cheering for their favorite college team, and she stands up to give him a celebratory hug and you see that she’s pregnant and her shirt says “FUTURE FAN” over the baby bump (*barf*). To push it over the top, the voice-over goes “And now I’m realizing that the most important person in my life is somebody I haven’t even met yet.”
*double barf, I know*
But it’s totally true. I am so in love with Bullet. I can’t wait for every surprise of his life outside of me, sure, but I’m not overlooking these precious moments together as he grows and develops inside me.
Right now, every day that passes is a day with my baby, and a day closer to my baby, and I’m gross about how much I love it.