So much gratitude

Of course the obvious subject of today’s post would be Anson. My heart is juicy, oozy full of love and gratitude for our son, this incredible little being who made the Hubs and I parents again.

DSC_0891My husband would make another excellent subject for today’s thoughts on gratitude. After all, he has kept me sane through life’s trials, he challenges me daily to be the best version of myself, he is a tremendously thoughtful and engaged father, and he is not too hard on the eyes.

img_033Being a family with these guys is pretty damn swell.

But there’s always the one that got away: Our sweet girl, Hudson.

And today, I am thankful for the family we are because of her.

I have had a difficult time writing lately. I haven’t had the energy, the creative juices, the subject matter, frankly.

This blog was intended to be a place to share my sometimes comical musings on pregnancy and parenthood.

Tragedy struck, and this blog became something entirely different.

I have felt like what I want to write about now is…

,,,Superficial.

…Trite.

…Too much sunshine and rainbows.

…Lacking in profundity and thus unworthy of being shared here, where Hudson’s life is captured in as much detail as I could muster.

So I don’t write for weeks, months. And when was the last time I cried because I miss my daughter? Is this moving on? Getting over it? I am no longer awash with envy at every new pregnancy announcement.

I almost feel guilty for how happy I am.

Hudson made me a mommy, put life in perspective, broke my heart and somehow still makes every day of my life better simply by having lived at all.

And so today I’m thankful for legendary red hair

for a little girl with a big name

for strong arms to hold me when my empty arms ached

for a little boy who completely owns me

for family.

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “So much gratitude

  1. Sarah says:

    The four of you make such a beautiful family. I wish all of you were here in these pictures, but of course never as much as you do.

    The happiness, the immense joy of the incredibly basic day to day with your living child in your arms – that is some seriously hard-earned joy. JOY. And that is not because you’ve moved past the pain of losing Hudson – it’s because she was and will always be yours that you feel the enormity of this joy. There is nothing trite about that. Just as the pain you’ve endured speaks to other mothers who have suffered a similar loss, the hope and joy you feel is part of that journey, and will speak to still other mothers. It’s certainly not that you’ve stopped grieving, it’s just changed.

    I’m sorry – I know you want to be respectful of the rawness of new grief, and that is completely reasonable and compassionate. But your journey through loss and life is no less worth being recounted because you’ve come to a peaceful, happy place, and it suddenly meant a lot to me to say that, as total stranger….

    Maybe leave this blog focused on Hudson, and start a new one where less intense but no less important records can be kept?

    • MommaDub says:

      Sarah – Thank you for your thoughtful words. I didn’t realize they were here until today, and reading them brought a few tears to my eyes because they were exactly what I needed to hear. The words “thank you” just don’t seem enough.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: