Tag Archives: gender reveal

Explosive News

I have to apologize for the prolonged silence. I forgot that prolonged silence has a precedent set on this blog and that it isn’t a good one.

All is well.

All is wonderful.

The ultrasound was wonderful – well worth the anticipation.

For the longest time, before we were pregnant with the Bullet, I was convinced that I didn’t want to find out the gender this time around. I was worried that I’d be overly emotional if it were a girl and disappointed if it were a boy.

Then, we were pregnant with the Bullet, and I already knew it was a boy, so shoot, I might as well find out for sure so we could start planning.

But these days, it’s all about the surprise gender reveals. The colorful cakes. The box of balloons and confetti. I even have friends who went to the ultrasound with two pairs of shoes – a boy pair and a girl pair – and had the ultrasound tech put the proper gender shoes in a bag for them. Then they went out to the place they first met and videoed the opening of the bag.

The Bullet deserved some kind of epic gender reveal, it was determined.

So we didn’t find out the gender in the ultrasound. We wanted to find out with the rest of our friends and family, in  true celebratory style.

The ultrasound tech of course had to turn the screen right off, because baby’s legs were WIDE OPEN. She did a great job not giving any clues or indications, despite some leading questions from me. “That looks like a masculine profile, right?” “Those are some awfully big muscles.” And so on and so forth.

All of baby’s parts are there, and baby is healthy and strong and right on track for growth. Baby is active and a bit of a peek-a-boo player, with hands up in the defensive position from time to time. We got a perfect profile picture, plus another one that looks like Ghostrider (and is eerily similar to one from Hudson’s first ultrasound), a whole handful of take-home gifts to show off later that night and tide us over until the big reveal the next day.

Our baby was conceived in a trailer park. The nickname is “The Bullet”. We announced our pregnancy with bottles of beer. So it was only fitting that we’d find out the gender with a shooting competition out at the Dub Family Farm.

That’s right. A shooting competition.


My super SIL helped with some of the decor ideas!

My super SIL helped with some of the decor ideas!

Boy and Girl votes

Boy and Girl votes

More gambling - who will hit the target, how many shots it will take...

More gambling – who will hit the target, how many shots it will take…

Grandpa Dub set up the target and was the keeper of The Secret

Grandpa Dub set up the target and was the keeper of The Secret

Because I'm classy like that.

Because I’m classy like that.

Lining up the shot - I got to go first.

Lining up the shot – I got to go first.

One shot. One kill.

One shot. One kill.

Called it.

Called it.


Me & the Hubs taking it in.

Me & the Hubs taking it in.

A couple of badasses. Plus one on the way.

A couple of badasses. Plus one on the way.

Grandma Shiz is too crafty. And a little too graphic. "Shoot out" ? Eww...

Grandma Shiz is too crafty. And a little too graphic. “Shoot out” ? Eww…












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The ultrasound anticipation

Why did I have a dream the night before last about carrying around a bag full of kittens?

How come last night my dreams featured the Hubs and me chasing down a creeper who abducted a little boy on the golf course?

You might say this is due to the ultra vivid dreams that plague the pregnant folk. But I am tempted to believe it is because I’m in full “protect my baby” mode and full of anticipation for the 20 week ultrasound we have scheduled for 3 pm today.

I remember what this is like.

IMG_0882That’s me and the hubs at our 20 week ultrasound with Hudson… well, right before it.

I imagine that the blog will feature a similar picture come tomorrow’s post.

What am I hoping for?

Healthy. Human. Baby.

I used to think that I’d be disappointed if this baby wasn’t a girl. Today, I could care less (and also, I’m sure it’s a boy). I used to think that every milestone would be met with measured enthusiasm. Today, I’m so excited I can’t go back to sleep like I usually would after sending my hubby off to work with 3 hours before I have to be anywhere!

Last night Bullet was particularly active, giving me some hearty kicks and even showing off once for Daddy. Like he knew that we needed a little extra movement the night before a big appointment. Thanks, Bullet.

A good friend of mine is pregnant with a baby girl, and after she gave me the big news she added “Baby straight up gave us a thumbs up on the ultrasound screen. She knew I needed that!” Other friends recently posted a picture of their daughter’s ultrasound and I’m not joking, that girl is throwing up some “Rock on” horns! Last night, Hubs and I were joking about the Bullet giving me double barrels with his six-shooters.

Now THAT would be an ultrasound picture worth sharing here.

This is a wild journey, but MAN is it fun! I am so excited for 3 o’clock today. I’m so in love with this genderless (but it’s a boy) little banana-sized being that we created. I know, I’m gross. And while our anticipation will have to continue for about 24 more hours as we wait to get the gender news along with the rest of the Dub and Shiz clan, the thought of seeing my baby on that ultrasound screen today has me pretty stoked.

Come on, Bullet. Give us the six-shooters.

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Countdown to baby

Tomorrow, my brother and his wife will meet their new son.

And I’ll meet my nephew!

It seems like not all that much time has passed since my brother came over here to tell me they were pregnant. It seems like two seconds since my brother called me the day they found out the gender to tell me “I’ll be getting a new golfing buddy.”

Now, baby Boy S will be here in less than 24 hours, and I can’t wait.

Of course, it seems like the development of my nephew has flown by. Meanwhile, the 10 days left until we find out that Bullet is a boy (because I’m 100% sure) is dragging on in agonizing fashion.

It’s amazing how quickly and slowly time can go by.

I found out today that an acquaintance of mine from the “Babyloss Community” (UGH, I hate that terminology but I’m using it for lack of a better term) is also expecting, due just a week before us. Her daughter passed away shortly before Hudson was born and died. When I think of them having a baby, I think “Oh good, they didn’t have to wait that long.” Yet it feels like the 11 months between Hudson’s death and the discovery of Bullet were years, lifetimes, eternities.

I try to be better about the countdown, not rushing through the pregnancy. I remind myself often that I’ll never again be 18 weeks pregnant with this child, I force myself to slow down and live in the present, awesome moment. And you know what?

It helps the time go faster.

I can’t believe that we are almost halfway there.

I know this is a recurring theme in my writing – the passing of time, living in the moment, being present, appreciating now. I keep coming back to it because it is so very important, and it is really, really difficult for human beings to do.

We think constantly about what we want next, instead of being thankful for what we have now. We beat ourselves up for things we haven’t done, instead of being proud of all we’ve accomplished thus far. We countdown days and weeks and months. We make the anticipation bigger than the payoff.

Bullet has been my singular goal and focus for the last year and change. Not Bullet specifically, not the whole time, but getting pregnant again, growing our family. The anticipation can never be bigger than the payoff, though, no matter how much I’m counting down and planning and dreaming and looking forward. Every day with Bullet is precious, now, before I can see his (sorry, can’t help it) squishy awesome face, and later, when he’s born, and later still, when he’s pooping on me or taking his first steps or going to his first day of school or staying out past his curfew for the first time.

This ridiculous life insurance commercial came on today that I had to make fun of so I wouldn’t cry. It’s a bunch of people my age watching some college football, sharing some snacks and rambunctiously cheering at a play. There’s a voice-over of this dude watching his wife cheering for their favorite college team, and she stands up to give him a celebratory hug and you see that she’s pregnant and her shirt says “FUTURE FAN” over the baby bump (*barf*). To push it over the top, the voice-over goes “And now I’m realizing that the most important person in my life is somebody I haven’t even met yet.”

*double barf, I know*

But it’s totally true. I am so in love with Bullet. I can’t wait for every surprise of his life outside of me, sure, but I’m not overlooking these precious moments together as he grows and develops inside me.

Right now, every day that passes is a day with my baby, and a day closer to my baby, and I’m gross about how much I love it.

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Those dates that stand out

A year ago today, this happened.

A year ago today, we found out we were having a girl, and my whole life changed.

I had this vision in my head about how our family would grow. Before a year ago today, my vision of our family always started with a baby boy. A big bro for any daughters we might have in the future, a little buddy for the Hubs, my little athlete to be a soccer mom for.

And then the words “Little Lady” flashed up on that ultrasound screen, and my vision for our life changed completely. And it didn’t take long for me to be completely sold on a little girl first.

Our little girl – headstrong and willful and a bit of a show-off. Our little girl – beautiful and strong and determined. Our little girl – unable to stay.

February 13 will always stand out, that day we marveled at our strong and beautiful baby on the ultrasound screen, the day we shared the news with our family via colorful cake pops, the day I cried a little bit because I realized that at some point I’d have to deal with a teenage daughter.

And I may still have to deal with a teenage daughter at some point, but it won’t be Hudson. Not in this life.

On Valentine’s Day 2012, I got roses at work from my hubby. The note card read:

Happy Valentine’s to my two ladies.

I’ve kept that card to this day. It made me cry then and it kind of chokes me up now. It was that note that made me realize that have a daughter first was the only way things could be. It was that note that made me realize that seeing my husband become a father was well worth sharing his attention with another girl.

I’ll never forget those days in 2012. February 13 and 14 marked the days that my vision of our family changed. Hudson changed our world on February 13, and she changed our world when she was born, and she changed our world when she died. She is missed every day, in big ways and small, ways that I wouldn’t have suspected and ways that will surprise me years from now.

She is the start of our family and will always be the Big Sis.

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I’m going to be an auntie…

…and it’s a girl.

Today my sister in law called to tell me that she and Uncle M are going to have a girl in March.

I had expected it to be hard.

I mean, one way or another, I think it would have been hard news for me. Them having a baby so soon after we lost Hudson is just sucky and hard, but also wonderful, and not their fault at all.

But they’re having a girl, the nail in the “Hard Times” coffin.

I spent the day making a cake with my other sisters-in-law. Cake-making and delicious wine.

Because for now, I can have cake and wine.

All day I knew that Auntie K was finding out today: Boy or Girl. And all day I thought to myself, with a fair amount of certainty:

“It’s a boy.”

I thought this because I thought it was going to be harder for me if they were having a girl. And I let myself think those thoughts because I was so confident that they’d never know that I felt that way because it would be a boy, no problemo, no questions asked, wipe the brow, whew.

Except that it is a girl.

Their appointment was late in the afternoon, and after a few glasses of wine (and a few bites of delicious cake), my sister-in-law blurts out: “Why hasn’t K called yet? They know RIGHT NOW!”

It wasn’t but a few moments later that the phone rang. Auntie K called me to share the news. I think I knew when I answered the phone:

It’s a girl.

I spent the entire drive home probing and prodding at the darkest recesses of my psyche, trying to get choked up, trying to let myself be unabashedly upset about the news.

I couldn’t get there. I was just empty. Upon further diagnosis, I realized:

This is not harder for me because they are having a girl. This is just hard.

I am thrilled for them, and I would have been thrilled for them one way or the other, in this life and certainly even more so in another life, with other circumstances and our healthy four-month-old girl.

What has me heartbroken tonight is the fact that I cannot appreciate this news with the reckless abandon it deserves. Our shitty situation taints everything else.

This baby deserves better. My family deserves better. I want so badly to be “cool”, to be unhindered and thrilled. I know that if I were reclusive and weird and sad about it, the entire Dub clan would understand, and be wonderful about it. Instead of being thrilled for a baby girl cousin for Hudson, I am in this awkward, sad, uncomfortable and apologetic place. And I want so badly to do or say something that could make this all guilt-free happy for everybody.

Sure, Uncle M and Auntie K having a girl is going to be a more concrete reminder of the things we are missing: bows and ribbons and frills and pink-tones and cuteness. But wardrobe aside, they are having a baby and we don’t have ours, and that is what is hard.

I want so badly for my brother and sister-in-law to be able to experience this pregnancy in a different way. I know they will be incredible parents. They are amazing people.

I wish there was a way for us to isolate our hurt. To set aside our loss. To take our pain, to take baby Hudson, and keep her all to ourselves. Hudson should only make our lives more full, but especially today, it feels like we are so very painfully aware of all we have lost.

I love my family so, so much. I wish for them all the fullness and joy that can be experienced in this life. So today, I feel guilty and helpless and hopeless and sad.

But I also feel this incredible happiness (however bittersweet) that we are going to meet a niece in March. She’ll be a beautiful little girl, and she’ll be welcomed into such a loving home, surrounded by so many affectionate Aunties and Uncles, a Grandma and Grandpa who will dote on her like crazy. Her daddy will be wrapped around her little finger. Her mommy will be so craft-tastic in the next 20 weeks that she will have no shortage of homemade, girly treasures. Her Uncle (the Hubs) will be hopeless against her charms. And her Auntie (me) will do her best to set a good example, to be the “fun aunt” without spoiling her (okay maybe just a little spoiling), to take her on adventures and give her her first caffeinated beverage and maybe teach her how to play the piano.

And so for the next 20 weeks (give or take), and really for the rest of our lives, I am focusing on the ways this baby girl will make life more beautiful and wonderful. I’ve truly felt that God has revealed himself to me through the people in our lives, and this new little person will be no different, a tiny little revelation of God on earth. She’ll be beautiful, and loved, and full of potential, the dawn of a hopeful new time for our family. She’ll be spunk and wit and gooey smiles, cute outfits and handmade quilts and willful spirit. She’ll be her own amazing person.

And until then, on the hardest days, I have cake and wine.

Chocolate Cake

The cake: delicious!

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