Two years ago today, I went in to labor with Hudson Ruth.
Two years ago today, I kicked the day off with one too many bran muffins, played 9 holes of golf and went out to lunch with the Hubs, went to my scheduled doctor’s appointment, had my membranes stripped, and 2 hours later ate a Subway sandwich and took a shower before heading to the hospital to meet our daughter.
And of course, last night my dreams were all about labor.
Let me tell you right now that I don’t have any desire to go through that again.
There is no part of me that feels like less of a woman because my future children will be delivered by C-Section.
Before we had Hudson, somebody told me that the throes of labor were similar to a runner’s high. I am here to tell you that I did not get that, not even one little bit.
Back to my dreams. I’m miraculously something like 37 weeks pregnant with a little sibling for Anson and we haven’t found out what gender we are having. For some reason the delivery room is also somebody’s very nice outdoor patio. There are 6 other women in labor in the same room (er, on the same patio?), and Dr. M informs me that I am “Complete” but I have only felt one contraction and it was like, 2 hours ago, so I’m not exactly sure what we are doing here. “Is this baby just going to fall out of me?” I ask. Evidently that’s not how it works. In my dream, Dr. M is so happy for us, and there are other women pushing babies out all around me, and I’m supposed to have a C-Section, I know, but I’m just standing around, dilated to 10 centimeters and excited for this boy or girl to “just fall out of me.”
Dreams are weird, man.
I had a fleeting thought as I was getting ready for bed last night – tomorrow is the 2 year anniversary of going into labor with Hudson. Two years ago we weren’t These People Who Have Experienced Awful Loss. Two years ago we were innocent.
Two years ago I couldn’t imagine what it would be like to have a baby. And unfortunately, the taste of motherhood I got in the days that followed was far from the expected, far from the experience we deserved.
And here we are two years later and I’m writing this while my 5 month old plays on his piano key play mat. I take a break from typing to help him get his foot untangled from the little jungle birdie, and he looks up at me and smiles his delicious grin, and even though two years ago we kicked off the hardest days of our lives, I feel happy, blessed, in this moment.
I love my two gorgeous children more than I can ever express with the written word. It’s a warmth in my chest, a lump in the back of my throat, that burning sensation in your eyes, a smile you can’t seem to wipe off.
Life went crazy two years ago. There have been some dark days in the past two years. I am far from the person I planned on being. But today, life is the most beautiful it has ever been.
And forever, there is only ONE THING I would want to change about This Life. I wish, forever, that we got to live This Life with Hudson.