Missing my girl

Yes, it is entirely possible to spend just 3 days with somebody and miss them like a missing piece of you when they are gone.

I came home to a particularly somber Hubs today. I asked what was wrong, and the Red Sox were losing. But then after a pause he said:

“I like looking at pictures of Hudson.”

Me too, big guy. Me too.

I started a Shutterfly account for family and friends to access and upload pictures of our little baby girl. So far my mom and I are the only ones who have added pictures. But it doesn’t matter much, as I encourage anybody who was close to her to check out the site and come see how good our baby looks.

So I scrolled through some of our pictures of Hudson today while the Hubs was upstairs in the shower. I looked closely at some of the pictures where the real action isn’t Hudson (like the footprint pics, where a lot of people are blocking the view of Hudson)… I scrutinized the pics looking for a new angle on our little girl’s face.

Then I saw the pictures from the day before she died, where Nurse S let me pick up Hudson, wires and tubes and all. These are iPhone pictures so they aren’t the highest quality. The Hubs was scrambling to get the camera pulled up on my phone, and there’s a lot of movement so they aren’t even that clear. But I can see the look on my face, and it is sad joy.

Yes, there is such a look. And there is such a feeling. Sad joy.

When you pick up your baby and really feel her weight. When the tubes and wires and everything attached to your baby prevent you from pulling her close, and your heart hurts because you want to pull her that extra 6 inches. When you cradle your daughter’s head in your hand and you feel her soft hair and you feel weird because you know you’re holding the strongest most fragile thing in the world

Seeing that look – the sad joy – seeing that picture today made me miss our girl so much. I just want to hold our daughter one more time.

I used to be really scared to hold babies. I did not volunteer to hold anybody’s baby. But now I will hold your baby. I’ll hold babies all day.

Just bear in mind that no baby compares to mine.

Even the awesomest baby can’t hold a candle to Baby Dub Awesome.

I miss that feeling…


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