Monthly Archives: January 2014

As the countdown enters the teens…

We have 18 days until Bullet is set to arrive on the scene. For the first time in this pregnancy, thinking to the big day, February 13, makes me think “Man, that’s coming up soon!”

I still have a lot to do!

A baby room to finish up. A house to clean. A bag to pack. A car seat to install. A book to publish.

We are READY in many ways. I mean, if my water broke today, we’d have all the necessities to bring Bullet home – a crib and diapers are the only real necessities, right? At 36 weeks pregnant and some change, Bullet’s parts should be pretty well in place and developed, though he might need a little extra monitoring and he might be a little bit skinny if he came today. The hiring of a house-cleaner last year has me feeling okay about the state of the domicile, though I’d like to have things a little more organized before the big arrival.

And then there’s the READY that I am emotionally. I cannot wait to meet this guy. I can’t wait to hold him, to see his first smiles, to hear his cries and giggles and coos and gurgles. I eagerly anticipate the perfect perspective that life gives you when the most important Thing in the world is your child. I’m ready for all of that.

Towards the end of our pregnancy with Hudson, we started getting asked “Are you ready to be done?” And of course, the answer at the time was “Yes and No.” I felt like pregnancy was mastered, and parenting a newborn was unknown, so how could I be READY?

This time is different. I am ready to be done, people. I’m big, I’m tired, I’m uncomfortable. But I am so in love with this little man that it seems trivial to complain. I just want to get my hands on the Bullet.

There are bad days when I cheer myself up by imagining the moment I meet Bullet for the first time, when they place my bleary eyed, blinking, disoriented newborn on my chest. I get clenched up thinking about it.

And it’s going to happen in 18 days.

Ready or not.


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This just happened

Every 5 weeks or so, I update the white erase calendar in my kitchen. And today, This happened.

photo 1 photo 2

Our little man will be born in a mere 25 days. Not that anybody’s keeping track!

As we head into the home stretch, there are so many things to look forward to in the coming days. As you can see!

A hair cut and color in a few days. A couple of doctor’s appointments. A tailgate themed baby shower being put on my sweet sister the night before the Super Bowl.

And don’t let me fail to mention that my Seattle Seahawks are going to the Super Bowl. Say WHA?!

Me and my current favorite Seahawks fan, my nephew C!

Me and my current favorite Seahawks fan, my nephew C!

It’s been a wonderful day. There are 25 wonderful days until we get to meet our guy. And that will be the most wonderful day of all.


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When Hudson was growing inside of me, we described her as strong. Strong heartbeat at those doctor’s appointments, strong kicks and movements, strong personality without even seeing her yet.

When Hudson was fighting for her life at the NICU in Spokane, she fought strong. She held on for three days, gave us hope, made us a family. She was the strongest person to ever weigh in at just 7 lb. 14 oz.

When Hudson died, and we began our life without her, other people described us as strong. You’d be amazed at how strong you are when you have no choice but to be strong.

The Hubs and my love for each other is strong… was strong and grew stronger in the time we had to cope with after the loss of our beautiful, strong daughter. I saw the very best in my husband when I watched him love Hudson. He is the strongest man I know.

In the After Hudson, I worked on making my body strong. I wanted to be ready for the next child, for Baby Dub Dos, who would later be known as Bullet.

And we all know that Bullet is strong. He’s a little, growing, constantly in action He-Man, astonishing me sometimes with the strength of his movements. And just like big sis, he’s got a strong personality.

I am so grateful for the many displays of super-human strength I’ve been privileged to witness in my life. I am grateful for the strength of our son as he fattens up through the last weeks of this pregnancy. I am grateful for a strong spouse who can bench press over 200 pounds and comfort his crying wife. I am grateful for a strong bond to family, for strong friendships, and for strong legs to lug my expanding self up and down flights of stairs without needing to take a break.

Strength. A desired trait, whether it’s increased physical strength, strength of will, emotional strength. We get stronger with training, with practice. We become stronger through the trials we face in life. We draw strength from the people around us, and we become a stronger couple, a stronger family, and a stronger community when we come together to face life.

And I cannot wait to see how we come together and become stronger with the arrival of Bullet in February.


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Getting Ready for the Bullet – 2013 in review

The 2013 holiday season was distinctly different from 2012. Instead of feeling so much LACK, the significant ABSENCE of our precious daughter driven home with every Christmas moment, this year we were able to focus on the very tangible presence of our son. We could more easily keep the attention on what we have, and what we have to look forward to.

‘Twas the season of matching father-son attire.

We made seasons bright with tiny baby Nikes.

The halls were decked with an extra stocking for the Bullet, right next to Big Sis Hudson’s.

If I went into labor today, we would have all the essentials needed to bring Bullet home. A crib, a changing table, a car seat, plenty of diapers and onesies. We even have a “Rockin’ Ridin’ Bull” – Bullet’s first Christmas present from Grandma and Grandpa Dub. Plus, a recliner for the baby room is being delivered this week. Essentials.

The better part of 2013 was spent feeling happy and warm and eager and wonderful knowing that Bullet was on the way. Starting on June 13, our HeartsFullofHudson made room for Baby Bro. Nearly 18 months removed from her birth and death, our hearts are still full of Hudson, but the sharpest edges of our pain have been dulled. There are still bad days, and hard memories, and sad reminders. Missing Hudson will be a very real part of my life until the day I die. But missing her doesn’t hurt as bad. It’s as if somehow, my heart has room for only the beautiful parts of our life together, and is little by little shoving out the hurt and bitterness and anger. Thanks, Heart.

The pieces of Hudson that are forever a part of me have been hard at work in 2013.

The Year 2013 was more than just the Year of the Bullet. It was marked with personal successes and milestones, career changes, and other assorted adventures.

Highlights: My 30th birthday trip to Maui. The purchase of The Bullet (our camp trailer). The wedding of one of my best friends. Hudson’s 1st birthday. Winning my first golf tournament. The arrivals of my Niece CMW and my Nephew CLS.

Lowlights: The Hubs’ summer in Yakima.

As always, I start the new year full of ambition, bursting with ideas of all the things I’ll do in the next 365. I spent a bit of time yesterday setting my New Year’s Resolutions, using some creativity to make a poster to hang on the wall by my bed as a daily reminder of what I’m aiming to accomplish in 2014. I go for a balanced approach, with goals in various aspects of my life – family, relationships, health, career, finances, household, personal development, etc. I already knew 2014 was going to be the best year of my life, but I’ve got a road map now for all the ways HOW.

And of course, the highlight of 2014, the primary focus and the Light of my Life, will be Bullet.

According to the Doctor, Bullet weighs about 3.7 oz and his feet are seriously large in comparison with the length of his body. He’ll be gaining between 0.5-1 pounds per week from now until delivery. Which means I’ll be gaining that much, too. Happy New Year!

This boy is active, people. Like his big sister, he’s MOST active at night, when he puts on a show for Mommy and Daddy by wiggling his butt around in circles and making my belly do weird exorcist-type stuff. However, I do not recall Hudson putting such a hurt on my internal organs. It’s as if Bullet sees my bladder and says, “What a nice pillow, let me just punch it down a bit!”

The Bullet will also be quite stylish. His wardrobe is bursting with tiny Carhartt, camo Uggs, track suits and overalls and those cute onesies that have bowties and suspenders on them (thanks SIL!).

We’re convinced he’ll be at least as big as his sister. With a nickname like Bullet (which Grandpa Dub has shortened to Bull), he had better be.

He’s got his own unique personality, but he is his father’s child.

Yes, 2013 was defined by Bullet Anticipation. And 2014 will be defined by his arrival. Discovering what this perfect human boy looks like, watching his personality continue to develop, experiencing so many parenting adventures with the Hubs… the next 6 weeks can’t go fast enough.





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